This is a more serious and personal topic, but I couldn't find a way to tell you in a PM. I get it and that's OK, because then I thought, well maybe others have similar stories related to Star Trek with or without a particular character. The only other person I told, was Rod, who had a means to contact without the world seeing, after Majel died, because I coudn't tell her and Gene who long since gone (Gene introduce me to humanism, via some article I read as a teen and returned to it as an adult on AHA website years later). It's why, even though I've not met everyone, except you, Michael Dorn (He is cute), John DeLancie, and a few TOS characters- the Gorn dude and the one who played Alt Universe Marlena. I never got to meet Majel and tell her, which maybe why I cried like my own mother had died when she died. In a sense, they sort of raised me, indirectly. I just hope I'm not alone and it's to much sharing on the forum.
Long story short, I went from having a father who molested me, even had anorexia because of it and then my first husband was abusive. That's not even talking about the religious trauma I went through as the hands of my mother's family. My grandfather when I was 14, "We have you away from him (my abusive father). God will take care of him." I replied, "God? What about MAN'S LAW!" If looks could kill, my grandfather would have killed me as though I had said, "Excuse me! But what does God need with a starship?" Paraphase/rephrase McCoy, "I question any god that allows a child to go through such a thing and do nothing." Anyway... That's no secret, because I've told at least one person on this forum about my divorce to my first husband, maybe even about my father. That was as much of a nightmare, if not more, as life was before my father lost custody of me.
After my divorce I had two sons, 6 months and 2 years when I left him, who I raised by myself, their dad, who had threaten to kill while I was pregnant with my younger son at the top of the stairs, where we lived, never even paid child support. You get the picture.
I did see a therapist after that and while I was seeing her, raising my sons, my Star Trek world in my head was more real than reality, though I still had one foot in reality, because of my sons- the younger son was Dx with PDD-NOS on the high functioning side of autism. "Right now, I feel as two-dimensional as our friends out there. In the universe, but barely aware of it. Just trying to survive... on instinct." That was my life- in my head I ran through almost every line, if not every line you said in the episode "The Loss" almost every single day, from rote, via watching the episode a few times, when I was at my worst. Of course, the other characters were there, in order to run the lines. I could almost touch every single character, as though they were real, except they weren't. It never stopped anymore than when the music was Deanna's head did, with the couple living alone on that planet, except his wife wasn't actually alive. Why I chose "The Loss" episode to fixate on, mostly, I don't know to this day, but my therapist knew about my Star Trek world in my head (Today I'm still a Fanfic Shipper writer, so I visit now, sort of, but not stay).
Then that day, when my sons were in school, I was alone at home. I don't know what I was doing or about to do, but the last thing I remember, before I was in a bucket of tears on the phone, in my bedroom, with my real life therapist, was Deanna running in and shouting, "Worf! NO!" It was so real, because I was two deminsional, so to speak. I don't remember what I was about to do, but Deanna was more real than whatever it was in real life I was about to do. "And all I have is nightmares" (Night Terrors, good too). 4'11" and 85-90 lbs at this time and even my older son, who was maybe 5 at that time was worried about me. Not the thinnest I had ever been, but still, a little boy shouldn't have to worry about his mother. I still love the Loss episode, but the "music", so to speak, isn't in my head 24/7 like it was all those years ago.
My therapist said I was in a depressive psychosis. I said, "Then why didn't you pull me out of it?!" [Instead of treating skin elbows while I laid passed out on my office floor, switching it was Bev's as per line] Basically she said something like it was better to let me have it, while she worked with me in therapy. To snap me out of it would have done more harm than good, but after I snapped out it, she had me call her at a specific time every day, that I did not have an appointment with her, until she felt I was out of the woods. She even compared my childhood to that of a Holocaust survivor, which I really didn't care much for that comparison and my first marriage wasn't much better.
I'm trying not to cry sharing this, but when I met you at a Con in Springfield MO, many years ago, I was very honest how much I enjoyed your acting and how much I loved your character Deanna, etc. Gene, Majel, and you (OK, maybe Jonathan too, because after all, I was you and he was hugging me, at that line, "Is this how you handle all of your personnel problems?" "Sure. You'd be surprise how far a hug goes with Geordi or Worf." I still got it and Jonathan's voice in my head. Nice voice. Only, you're (as Deanna) not real. Even so, I do believe you, Gene, Majel, and the others actually saved my life and maybe even possibly help kept my sons and me together.
After that, I did go back to college as a non-traditional student and got a B.S. in Psychology (1998, my sons were 7 and 9). That's another long story as to why I didn't get More of it and Piled High and Deep. Some people say I'm a nerd or even a what is it? A dork I think this 31 year old called me because I love Star Trek. I don't care. I not only met my second husband via Star Trek (he's no Will Riker, but I guess I'll have him lol) but quite honestly and seriously, I believe y'all saved my life, even if it does seem like a whole lot of insanity. I don't think I'd be here today, to try and someway tell you how you saved my life years ago, and to thank you. Maybe I missed my chance to thank Majel and Gene, but I don't want to miss a chance to thank you and Jonathan for that matter, even if my effort is slim to nil and you have no time to read this. I just hope I'm not the only one in this world with such a crazy story. You're a great counselor, even if you were playing Deanna and Jonathan (AKA Will) is a great hugger... well... You know. Maybe that's why Jeannie is in trouble if I ever met Jonathan. lol I have to laugh or I'll be tears again. Sorry for the wall of words, but there really is a heartfelt story of love and thanks to you, Gene, Majel, Jonathan, and maybe even Sir Patrick Stewart (even if Picard didn't know what he was talking about), Whoopi (she's right, better hours) and the rest of the gang, in there. When it comes to women suffering from abuse and all, I think Sir Patrick does understand or is compassionate, from what I hear.
Why "The Loss", I don't know, but thank you and yes, it does take more than one night of crying. I'll always love you like a sister (even though I never had a sibling) for your indirect and unknowing help, whether you read this or not. I hope you do read it though and know the whole lot of you, especially you, Marina, (and Gene because he created ST) saved a life and kept them going until they got to the other side.
We all hear stories that wrench our hearts. It's one of the reasons it's been such a privilege to be a part of this amazing show.